I’m not sure what exactly started this, but lately I’ve been doing some soul searching. I guess that’s what I can call it. I’ve been looking deeper into my natural reaction to different situations and why i’m doing it. What causes me to act and think in the ways that I do. It can be a bit frustrating to realize everything stems from childhood.
I don’t want to be seen with the possibility of being misunderstood, and what happens if I am understood and discarded? Doing all the work to unravel several protective layers and tossing what’s underneath in the garbage, as if it never mattered in the first place. staying long enough for the journey without truly enjoying the destination. what i’ve come to discover is avoidance overtaking my desires for an intimate connection. Vulnerability is difficult to come by and I understand why. It’s hard to bare your soul, not knowing if it will all be used against you. Something so delicate used as a knife cut deeper than anything else could.
I’ve made, what I now think may be, the mistake of sharing what’s near and dear to me with several people. but that’s what I needed to do, to hold myself accountable, to escape comfortability, and move toward my dreams. But now it feels as though a spot light is on the one thing that i’ve kept hidden, and with time it’s becoming blinding. At times it feels that I’m crawling out of my skin being seen so much, I anticipate being misunderstood, but so far it hasn’t happened and I’m not sure what to do with this uncertainty.
If I allow myself to relax am I setting myself up for a bigger stab?
I want to work my way to a place where I am able to speak, love, and act freely. No thinking too far into the future, anticipating the worst outcome, as I’ve been conditioned to do throughout my life. I just want to be. I want to put my trust and love into what is meant for me. I want to listen to my intuition when it screams to me that something isn’t right. I hate that I’ve been taught to second guess my own instincts for so long, but I can no longer place the blame on upbringing and just change now. I’m so sick of what comes naturally being caged in, who does that benefit? I feel that hypnosis would be the quickest way to reverse it all, but I will allow time and effort to take its gradual course.